Beauty / Health / Lifestyle / Sex

Behind Closed Cabinets

When what you keep in your medicine cabinet is turned against you.


Unfortunately I can’t claim copyrights to this story. It didn’t actually happen to me, but my college roommate thankfully shared her experience with me and I’m so grateful that she did. From one standpoint, I’m glad she told me the story because it gave me the best laugh and “what the fuck” moment of all time. And on the other hand, it forced me to be more cautious of what I leave lying around for prowling eyes.

Anyway, it never occurred to me that I needed to watch my back or my medicine cabinet for that matter. Sure, when a perspective suitor (I don’t really call them that, but booty call sounds sleazy) came over I performed my regular checklist: I got in the shower, shaved everything, straightened up my room, spritzed a little air freshener, and hid the dead body. Okay, so not really the last one, but I made sure everything looked as if I was the sexiest and cleanest woman alive. To my surprise, according to my roommate, there was another thing I was missing from my checklist. Remove all medicine from the medicine cabinet.

My roommate was kind of going back and forth with this guy she had met through one of our mutual friends. He was cute, she was cute, and they seemed to really hit it off. He also didn’t attend our school, which made it even better. If you went to our school, everyone knew everyone else’s business, and when it came to relationships, it was best to either be under the radar with your love life, date some one no one knew, or get rid of the option altogether. She chose the second option.

Here’s where things get interesting.

For the most part, their relationship consisted of texting, but there were times the guy came up to visit. In one of his monthly visits, he mentioned to my roommate that he wanted to come by and of course, “Netflix and chill”. A little tipsy off of Tequila, my roommate agreed. It was past my bedtime, and whenever some one has male company, I try to be make myself invisible.

Here’s where things get interesting though. Netflix and chill turned into aggressive rubbing and making out while a random movie played in the background. Clothes started coming off and my roommate took a page from Waiting to Exhale as she got ready to let go and let this guy take her down. But before that could happen, she asked him if he has a condom. Good girl.

From my understanding, guys take all of ten seconds to use the bathroom.

He says yes, but he needs to go to the bathroom. Luckily our college apartments had private bathrooms for each of the bedrooms so he didn’t have to leave the room undressed and possibly walk into me while on his way. So as he enters the bathroom my roommate laid patiently on the bed, tits up in the air and legs open waiting for his return. One minute passed, and then another. I can’t be too sure, but I think she should have been concerned by then because from my understanding, guys take all of ten seconds to use the bathroom. But still she waited for his return.

Finally, what she describes as ten minutes later, he reemerges from the bathroom. She’s ready to dive back into it, but that’s not a condom he’s holding in his hand. It’s a medicine bottle. Here is the “what the fuck” moment! In his hand is my roommate’s medicine bottle from her bathroom cabinet. It seemed he was doing a little more than peeing. He was actually looking through her cabinet to see what unusual things he would come across.

“What the fuck do you have that in your hand?” is how I thought the conversation would open up, but instead, my friend casually asked him why he had her medicine. He explained that he was looking through her cabinet and alongside the Tylenol and Excedrin, he found this prescription drug. He wanted to know what it was because it seemed like a drug for a “special” condition rather than a regular pain reliever.

This dude really felt obligated to know about my roommate’s complete medical history. The nerve of him. A little caught off guard, my roommate explained to him that it was vitamins or medicine for some specific pain she had months ago. She could tell he was still unsure of what the medicine was related to as he proceeded to put on his clothes.

“What the fuck do you have that in your hand?” is how I thought the conversation would open up

But now it was her turn to ask the question: why was he in her medicine cabinet? According to him, he always looked through medicine cabinets. He felt like he had a right to know what diseases, pains, or illnesses other people had. It was a common thing for him, and oddly a right of passage for anyone to be intimate with him; you had to pass the medicine cabinet test. He left that night without getting any loving and I don’t think my roommate really missed out.

But still, how did perusing medicine cabinets become the new form of uncovering dirt on your potential mate? Before, it was looking through text messages or social media for incriminating finds, and to be honest, I liked that approach better. Medical history is more private, fragile information and should come with privilege rather than being taken without permission. My roommate is hilariously superstitious now and will not leave anything in the medicine cabinet. I’ve even thought twice about what I’m putting in there. Apparently no place is off limits for peeping eyes, so this story comes with a  PSA: Beware of what you keep behind closed cabinets.

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