This is not a how-to – just a recollection of events that shaped one of the most regretful years of my college life.
“We don’t know her.” This statement my friends said to me one night still echoes in my head when I think about the year and a half I obliged in booty calls, answered late-night texts, and ultimately tried to steal some one else’s boyfriend. “We don’t know her”. It was true, we didn’t know her – his girlfriend that is, and that might have been one of the factors in me doing what I did. It might’ve been the fact that his girlfriend was still anonymous, or the fact that I ended up actually liking him when I told myself I wouldn’t, that made me do the things I did.
I will mostly make a lot of girlfriends upset with this story, and for that, I am sorry. I will also probably prompt a lot of girls in similar situations to rethink their decisions and actions, and in that way, I say ‘you’re welcome’. This is in no way a how-to on the subject mater; it’s just a recollection of events that shaped one of the most regretful years of my college life.
“We don’t know her.”
For story purposes, I’m giving this guy a name: Tony. Tony and I met at his birthday gathering that I was invited to by my close friend, who happened to be dating Tony’s best friend. We knew of each other, but hadn’t actually had a conversation. Although our conversation was short, it was clear there was some sort of an attraction. To fast-forward past our mild flirtation at many of the parties following our meeting each other, we eventually exchanged numbers and proceeded to text occasionally about what we were doing for the weekends and whatever else we made up to keep the conversation going.
Our flirting picked up speed around November, which is also the point in which I found out that he had a girlfriend. My friend followed Tony on Instagram and noticed one of his captions referencing a girl in a romantic way. We all leaned in to interpret what the caption might’ve meant, and after some digging, we found out that he did in fact have a girlfriend. It’s hard to believe now, but I was immediately put off by this. I couldn’t continue to flirt with some one who was taken. Many of my friends had been in similar situations before, and I refused to follow in their footsteps.
“We don’t know her.” There it was for the first time, the saying that we all joked about during this period in my life. We laughed about it and suggested that his girlfriend could be doing the same thing (as we found out she was also in college in another state). I laughed along with them, but I knew that it wasn’t my place. Nevertheless, anything is easier said than done.
I saw Tony everywhere I went; he was at the parties I went to, I saw him in passing on my way to class, and his number popped up on my phone screen every so often. At some point that became hard to ignore, and our flirting continued to grow until there was one last thing for us to do. We had sex by the end of November.
What I also needed to understand, is that there are consequences for your actions.
When I disclosed this with my friends, they were shocked, but still asserted the fact that we didn’t know his girlfriend and that I couldn’t be a home-wrecker if the home was already broken. Although I played into this lie, I find that these comments are often used only to excuse the behavior of friends. But with that motto in mind, I continued to spend the night with Tony, at his house and mine. The first time, I felt like it was just a mistake that I could sum up to a “drunken night” (although I wasn’t actually drunk). But as it went to the second, third, and eighth time, I knew I had officially become the side chick.
But was I a side chick? The answer was obviously yes, but I didn’t feel like the traditional definition of the label, which is why I questioned my role. I had seen side chicks who fell in love with their Tonys and convinced themselves that he would eventually leave his girlfriend for them. I wasn’t those girls though; I knew what it was between me and Tony. I knew realistically, he would not dump his girlfriend, and I definitely knew that I didn’t need to fall in love with him. At the time, we were only spending the night together on the weekends and rarely spoke during the weekdays. I thought that was enough to ensure that this wouldn’t get out of control. My friend warned me that feelings would arise regardless of how many nights I spent with him, but I strongly disagreed. It sounds like I was aiming to be this ideal side chick, which is completely trashy, but in other ways I was. If I was going to make this decision, I needed to understand that I was nothing more than an occasional fuck who in Tony’s eyes, was never going to take the place of his long-time girlfriend. I forgot what I also needed to understand, is that there are consequences for your actions.
Unfortunately, the first consequence was that I managed to catch feelings. As our weekend meet ups turned to whenever we wanted to see each other, I developed a liking to him on less of a physical level and more on a personality level. He made me laugh and when we did talk, it was nice. But he still had a girlfriend. I knew I would never ask him to leave his girlfriend, but i found myself wishing they would end it. But be careful what you wish for.
I couldn’t blame anyone but myself.
As I entered my junior year and he entered his senior year, he officially broke things off with his girlfriend; he was a free agent. I knew it wasn’t necessarily for me, but I can’t say that I wasn’t happy. We picked back up where we left off, except this time, I didn’t have to feel bad about what I was doing. But I should’ve known that things don’t work out like you plan. I assumed that he and I would make something happen, which may have been implied when he told me that we could. That’s not what happened though. Yes, we kept doing what we were doing, but while he was doing it with at least two other girls that I know of. I didn’t graduate to a main chick; I just graduated to a top spot on the tier of side chicks. To my regret, I allowed myself to be put in this situation of being categorized as worthless and not important enough for the rest of the year. Even worse, I couldn’t blame anyone but myself.
When I talk to guy friends about the subject or something similar they always ask, “was the sex that good?” A lot of girls try to lie and say that it wasn’t or make excuses. Let’s be real though; yes, it was that good. The sex was great, mind-blowing actually, which might have added to me sticking around. That, on top of eventually catching feelings, forced me to become a side chick, then graduate to a top side chick after he left his girlfriend. I hated myself during the time when he had a girlfriend, and I hated myself when I was messing with him while he messed with other girls.
It was only after he graduated that I could release myself from the feelings, anxiety, and negative energy. But even so, I still felt something that summer when he announced to social media that he had a new girlfriend. She was a freshman. He met her through one of his friends and began dating her, while he was seeing me (and the two other girls). And now they were official. Apparently, she and her friends were saying the same thing me and my friends had said a little over a year before: “We don’t know her.”