Lifestyle / Sex

She’s Not A Slut Because She’s My Friend

I excuse the sexual behavior of my friend when other comment on it, but ridicule others like her. Is this an unfortunate result of girl culture?

JUSTIN TALLIS/AFP/GettyImages

JUSTIN TALLIS/AFP/GettyImages

Within the context of Sex and the City, I’m convinced everyone will come across a Samantha Jones. I’ve coincidentally had a number of Samantha’s – one in high school, and two or three in college. While I struggled with the idea of raising my body count above one, my Samantha was racking them up, entering double digits. As she recounted her bazaar sex stories, I would often question her judgment or selection process. I wouldn’t say anything to her specifically; I would just listen, laughing out loud or joking with her about the subject. When stories got a little too kinky to bare, I would playfully call her names like ‘slut’ or ‘freak’. I was her friend, so of course there was no merit behind my name-calling, and she usually handled it by laughing or making fun of me for being the total opposite.

Name-calling had always been a playful thing amongst us girls. After all, we never used those names with malicious intent. So in that way, we never considered the negative impact it possessed. It was only until we used it to talk about some one else or when some one outside of our friend group used the term, that the meaning transformed into something else.

A girl who incidentally was sharing her “boyfriend” with my Samantha, walked up to us in a party, looked Sam in the eye, and called her a whore. Apparently this girl just found out that her boyfriend was cheating and since girls never seem to attack the boy doing the act, they she went after my friend.

Sam could always take care of herself. She was never one to let others walk over her, so in that way, I wasn’t worried about her feelings. But I immediately grew defensive. I’ve called girls names like ‘thot’ or ‘slut’ behind their backs with malicious intent, so it was not a foreign concept to me.  And just a couple of hours ago, I had called Sam the same name, but this time was different; it wasn’t me doing the name-calling.

Why is it that a derogatory name only holds merit when an outsider uses it?

In recent years this campaign against slut-shaming developed, and while I think it is endearing in theory, I honestly am not one hundred percent behind it. The campaign was established in part to demolish labelling girls who had a bigger sexual appetite than others, and I agree with that. On the other hand, the campaign wishes to remove those words from women’s vocabulary. I’m not sure I agree with that. Maybe it’s because I still use the words, but I didn’t see the harm in using them playfully in the context of my friendship with another, or even if it was against some one I didn’t know. But as soon as it hit close to home, I was disturbed.

When the random girl came up to my friend and called her a whore, I wasn’t so made at the truth behind the word. By definition, a whore is a woman who engages in promiscuous sexual intercourse, and in reality, Sam had engaged in quite a number of promiscuous sexual interactions within the last month. Nevertheless, it didn’t feel appropriate for an outsider to label my friend based on her one circumstance of sharing a shitty boyfriend or anything she might have heard for that matter. She didn’t know my friend, and in that way she shouldn’t judge her. If that was the case, did I have the right to label others? I knew the answer, but it was hard to kick the habit.

A girl fight didn’t erupt that night, and although I can’t remember in detail, I believe we simply left the scene. We made fun of that girl and laughed about the situation, but the complexity of whether name-calling was okay between friends -or at all – still lingered with us.

That’s girl culture. We love to joke around in the comforts of our own circles, but as soon as one outsider tries to penetrate the group, those same names become weapons and send us into defensive mode. We have a set of rules based on our own standards, moral codes, and contexts that allow us to attack others and exclude our friends, regardless of whether they hold the same track record or not. I had realized that the girls I called names were a reflection of my Samantha and a friend to another girl just like me. And although they weren’t my friends, if I couldn’t call my Samantha a name with malicious intent, maybe I shouldn’t call some one else’s Sam that either.

** the use of the name is “Samantha” is fictitious, however the accounts in this story are real.**

One thought on “She’s Not A Slut Because She’s My Friend

  1. What are your views in using words like ‘slut’ or ‘whore’? Is it okay to use them amongst friends, or should we get rid of the words altogether. Let us know!

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s